What Would Disney Characters Look Like If They Were Drawn From Memory By A Drunk Divorced Dad?

Too Much Culture takes a look at what Disney favourites look like when drawn by divorced dad, Gus after a few pints.

A solid start. Gus presents us with his interpretation of Ariel from the 1989 Disney movie The Little Mermaid and even treats us to what he refers to as “her pet crab”.

Another solid effort. We have both beast and “The man who was a candle” in the bottom left hand corner, looking slightly more nervous than usual.

Okay, this is less strong. Gus appears to be unsure about whether The genie (Voiced by Robin Williams) has legs or not, so has gone for a halfway house between the two. Gus has also included The Carpet from Aladdin, although oddly he has written the word “Don’t” on it. Nevertheless a good try.

Gus is struggling now, by just looking at this picture you can immediately tell Buzz’s space helmet dome is far too big, and his expression has more malice in it than the Tim Allen voiced original. Also, Gus appears to have written “Saint Gary” on Buzz’s name plate

Gus has drawn Pooh a fair bit fatter than he usually is, and the image of Piglet next to him is extremely haphazard. Also Gus has decided to eschew Pooh’s traditional honey pot and instead has the bear tucking into a car of capers in brine.

Things really take a nosedive now. Unable to even come up with a reasonable likeness of McQueen from 2006’s Cars and 2011’s Cars 2 Gus appears to have also guessed at what McQueen’s sidekick might be. In this case he has gone for a scarecrow called Grover.

Gus has drawn Bambi’s legs far too long and Thumper is not very good either.

We’re not sure what Gus was going for here. It appears to be a Jack-in-a-box with a CD on top. To date no such character has appeared in a Disney movie.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron Trailer Breakdown by a Grandmother

Marvel have released the first trailer for The Avengers: Age of Ultron, the eleventh movie from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. To help pick apart all the juicy details Too Much Culture presents a trailer breakdown by Julie, 85, from Dover.

0:09 Where’s that? Looks nice, hot though. I’d love to go somewhere hot, but where there is also lots of shade. But I can’t stand flying so… The man said “I’m going to show you something beautiful” that’s nice. They don’t make films about nice things anymore.

0:15 Ooh, all that traffic. That’s all I hear now. Beeping from outside, all day its beeping and hollering. Is that what this is, beeping and hollering? That might be for you, but it’s not what I call a film.

0:25 Oh, is this a Superman? What’s that one where Superman is on the building? No, it’s gone. So Superman’s in this? [When told the character is in fact Thor] Well he looks like Superman, they’re making this confusing on purpose. What’s he holding?

0:32 Look, he’s done what my son Dale’s done, he’s ordered some of that gym stuff from the catalogue and he’s not used it. Just stuck it in the corner. There’s a rowing machine in Dale’s spare room, he’s never going to use it, is he? And charity won’t take it, too old. His son, my grandson Hugh, he does the gym.

0:41 He’s broken his friend’s head. What’s he done that for? Breaking the Tin Man’s [sic] head. You know what they should make a film about? That policeman what saved that dog from that building in Croydon when it collapsed. Imagine that, it’d be sad when you thought the dog was gone under all the rubble. But then he’d find it and you’d be delighted. Someone should do that.

0:53 … Or that woman who was a singer on the cruise ships for ages, but she was brilliant, but she wasn’t famous. And then one day this theatre man goes on the cruise, and he hears her and he starts crying because her voice is that good. And he snaps her up and puts her in the theatre shows. They should do that, not all this explosions and mess.

0:58 Well that’s bad for a start. Kiddies will copy that, going out in the snow, no vest on. And all the kids are getting colds and nobody knows why, and I’ll be saying, its that Ravagers film, that’s what’s done it.

1:10 This may, what? People don’t finish sentences anymore.

1:14 I bought Hugh a lovely shirt like that. But does he wear it? What do you think? He still wears a t-shirt with a skull on it. Horrible.

1:36 Oh that’s nice. Lovely. Ballet. this film should be some ballet. Its a real skill, they work so hard. They had some ballet thing over at the community centre. Didn’t go though.

1:42 Dale’s got a car like that. Doesn’t drive it like that though, is Superman going to catch it? Hugh does his BMX or something.

1:48 Lovely stall of fruit and they just break it. See this is what I mean, its all mess. Mess and hollering.

Julie turns over to Springwatch I used to love gardening. Hugh comes round and mows the lawn, keeps it nice. He’s good like that. He’d like these Ultra Space Rangers.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron explodes into cinemas May 2015.

New Breaking Bad Spin-off Announced (SPOILERS)

The season finale of Breaking Bad is nearly upon us, but fans of Vince Gilligan’s finely crafted world of deception and intrigue need not worry as it will live on in a new spin off series recently green lit by AMC.

The spinoff, presently called “Cleaning Up”, will focus on one of Breaking Bad’s most beloved characters: Jesse’s Roomba.

Vince Gilligan has only hinted about what fans can expect but it sounds exciting. In a recent interview he had the following to say about what fans can look forward to from the series.

“Maybe the cleanup after the murder of Gus Fring required more than human hands”

“Hank always did like to keep a dust free household”

“What just tripped up Walt Jr?”

“Sometimes even Nazi uncles have allergies”

The new series begins next fall on AMC.

A Breakdown of The Walking Dead Season 4 Teaser Trailer

This week at Comic Con, a brand new trailer was revealed for The Walking Dead Season 4 – here’s Too Much Culture’s Breakdown of that trailer and of what we can expect come the season premiere in October.

00:01: We see Rich and Carl sitting out and soaking up the sun on the balcony of the prison . Pointing at the walkers below and laughing, a real change of pace for the new season which appears much lighter in tone.

00:05: Michonne’s dialogue: “It’s my birthday today and everyone’s forgotten” hints at an episode where the residents of the prison forget Michonne’s birthday. Although those that have already read the comics may  know this is a ruse, and Michonne’s birthday is in fact celebrated by the prison as a surprise party.

00:20: Daryl Dixon appears to get the washer/dryers working in the prison – could this be The Walking Dead’s first non-dusty-clothes season? Lets hope so.

00:30: What’s this, a talent show in the prison? This way well see a fan favourite scene from the comics – where Glenn overcomes his stage fright to perform and excellent rendition of “This Little Light of Mine”.

00:40: A glimpse of the much anticipated show crossover –a cameo from Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) – who turns up at the prison for one episode, to help the gang solve the mystery of the tweaking walker.

01:15: Its looks like Maggie has organised two dates at separate ends of the prison at the same time . This looks to be a very funny episode which may or may not involve Maggie dressing a walker up as her. Will it all end in tears?

01:20: A walker conga line? Walking Dead comic fans will have been waiting for this scene for years.

01:50: Rick discovers Carol hiding food and so makes Carol his servant. We catch a glimpse of Carol cleaning Rick’s gun and propping up the fence from walkers. I wonder how long she’ll put up with this?

02:00: The final shot of the trailer – Hershel’s truck has broken down, he’s surrounded by walkers and he says: ‘Well, at least it’s not raining” – followed by the inevitable thunder clap. We’re laughing already.

The Walking Dead Season 4 starts on 14th October on AMC. 

What Investing in Zach Braff’s Movie Will Get You…

Zach Braff has taken the innovative decision to fund his new movie through Kickstarter a crowd-source website which relies on donations from the public. With donations now at $2,000,000 what does donating to Zach’s film “I Wish I Was There” actually get you? Too Much Culture takes a look at his Kickstarter page for the details:

Pledge $10 or more:

CUPS: The production of a movie uses thousands of Styrofoam cups, and by donating $10 or more you can have one of these cups. I can’t guarantee the cup will have been used by a star of the movie, in fact, it definitely won’t, but this is your chance to own a piece of movie history. To retrieve your cup, simply go to the West-Hollywood landfill three weeks before the premiere.

Pledge $20 or more:

SCRUBS DVD:. Donation of $20 or more entitle you to go into any record store, buy a box set of Scrubs. All you then need to do is take a photo of yourself with the receipt, email it to an email account, invoice the production company once you receive your individual code, and wait eight-twelve months. The DVD must be worth $40 or more.

Pledge $30 or more:

BACKER’S SCREENING: You will be invited to a live screening of the film, over the internet.  The online version will be available to view 24 hours before the premiere, but may take a few weeks to buffer.

Pledge $40 or more:

T-SHIRT: You get a t-shirt. It won’t be anything to do with the film, it’ll probably be just a plain black t-shirt, but feel free to print your own cool design on it. Maybe write: “I helped make ‘I Wish I Was There’” on the front, and then maybe a movie poster, in case people forget what film you are talking about.

Pledge $100 or more:

Q&A AND SCREENING: You get the chance to attend a screening of the movie and a Q&A afterwards. I will be answering questions such as: “I paid $1oo for that!?” and “Why didn’t you get actual investors to help you finance it?” The Q&A will last fifteen minutes and I will be standing behind bullet proof glass.

Pledge $125 or more:

SIGNED ART PRINT: You will get you very own art print. So when people come round to your house and see it, you can say: “I helped finance Zach Braff’s movie… No not Garden State, the other one…  No not the Wizard of Oz one… Oh never mind”.

Pledge $200 or more:

YOU ARE A TURD: In the movie, the main character encounters round a thousand dog turds all of which are named in the script. Now is your chance to be one of the dog turds. You won’t actually see the name on the screen, but you will be able to point at that dog turd and say: “That was me”.

Pledge $750 or more:

PREMIERE TICKETS: You get the chance to walk along the red carpet (Not provided) rub shoulders with the stars (Not guaranteed) watch the movie (From a distance) and experience the glitz and glamour of a premiere for a film nobody could afford to make.

Pledge $1,000 or more:

AFTER PARTY: Ever wanted to spend an evening getting drunk with people with too much money and an insane love of Zach Braff? Now’s your chance. For a cool grand you will get to attend an exclusive after party with everyone else who donated a grand. Its like a prom which you have to pay a lot of money for, won’t know anyone at and won’t be allowed to speak to the important people. See you there!

Pledge $2,500 or more:

BE AN EXTRA: You know that thing that people are paid to do? Well this time you get to PAY, and the best thing is, I’ll make you feel like this is some sort of prize! For just $2,500 you can experience the joy of standing around in the cold, being shouted at by a First A-D and drinking cold coffee, all with absolutely no guarantee you’ll actually show up in the movie. Pledge now!

Pledge $7,000 or more:

NAME A CHARACTER: I wanted to fund a film through Kickstarter because I didn’t want to deal with loads of industry notes, so instead I’m handing the ability to name a character over to a random member of the public.  Want to call him “Signor Douche-Angel” you got it! Isn’t creativity fun.

Pledge $8,000 or more:

SPECIAL THANKS IN THE CREDITS: Because everyone stays to the end of the credits, right? Well you will, because you will want to see what you spent eight-grand on. Say “That’s me” to the cinema attendant sweeping up around you. What could be more awesome than that?

Pledge $10,000 or more:

BE A CAST MEMBER: Because who doesn’t want to watch a film where the cast is made up of insane rich people with no acting ability? I know I do. There are seventeen speaking roles available, all during the movie’s epic final chase scene, and all saying the words: “He went thata way”.

The film is expected to be released in September 2014 and will be distributed by Pyramid Scheme Pictures.

The Links Between Kennedy and Lincoln.

You may have seen doing the rounds the many uncanny links between the lives and deaths of two of America’s great Presidents. Too Much Culture brings you the full list of bizarre links between Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy.

• John Wilkes Booth who shot Lincoln and Lee Harvey Oswald who shot Kennedy were both murderers.
• Neither man ever used the internet and the both lived in exactly the same house.
• Both Lincoln and Kennedy had the initials POTUS.
• Kennedy was shot while saying the word “intense” two times. In the Spielberg biopic of Lincoln, he is played by Daniel Day-Lewis, an actor who is too intense.
• The play Lincoln was watching was terribly acted and had been brought back after a long absence at nobody’s request. While Kennedy was shot in “Dallas”.
• John F Kennedy allegedly had a love affair with Marilyn Monroe. Lincoln once kissed Tony Curtis.
• Both Kennedy and Lincoln at some point in their lives tried to pick something up, almost immediately dropped it and then had to do that bobbing-pick up thing where you keep dropping it and picking it up.
• Neither Kennedy nor Lincoln liked the taste of raw human faeces.
• After John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre he dropped onto the stage, thus missing the aisle. Kennedy was president during the Cuban Miss-aisle Crisis.
• Kennedy was President during the Vietnam War. Lincoln was born of the 4^th of July, once hunted a deer, hosted a radio show with Robin Williams and predicted the Apocalypse to happen immediately.
• Lincoln was shot in a theatre. Kennedy was shot in a car (Lincoln once described cars as “the theatre of the road”).
• Abraham Lincoln’s middle name was Sheen-Not-Bad. In the TV Miniseries of JFK’s Life “Kennedy” he was played by martin Sheen, who, while not great, wasn’t bad.
• Kennedy was shot during a trip to Dallas Texas while Lincoln was shot in the theatre, so chances are they both died having just eaten a tiny ice-cream.
• Lincoln ended slavery, the end of the word slavery is “y”, a letter Kennedy almost certainly used in his lifetime.
• Lincoln’s bodyguard was John Parker, the exact instruction given to Kennedy’s driver, John immediately after Kennedy was shot.

Create Your Own Opinion Piece About Offensiveness In Comedy

Writing about offensiveness in comedy is all the range at the moment, so why not create your own opinion piece about it using Too Much Culture’s three easy steps.

Step 1. Choose a public figure from the below list…

Frankie Boyle,

Jerry Sadowitz,

Ricky Gervais,

Jimmy Carr,

Bill Hicks,

Brendan Burns,

Chris Morris,

Jim Jeffries,

Daniel Tosh,

Roy “Chubby” Brown,

An open spot you saw three nights ago,

Step 2. Include one of these catch all phrases compulsory in any discussion about offensiveness in comedy…

“Punching up”,

“the importance of intent”,

“Skilfully employed irony”,

“The joke’s victim”,

“Does anyone have a right to be offended?”,

“… At Jongleurs”,

“Important to Push the boundaries”

“The last taboo”,

“Madeline McCann one liner”

“The audience sort of laughed, sort of gasped, sort of were sick”

“The PC Hitler Brigade”,

Step 3. Include your own trite conclusion.

“Let’s all agree to disagree”,

“You can’t please everyone”,

“Its essentially a freedom of speech issue”,

“If you don’t like it don’t watch it”,

“We all draw different lines”,

“Comedy shouldn’t be bland”,

“If you get upset easily what are you doing leaving the house”,

Congratulations, you are now a journalist, or at the very least a blogger, and you are contributing to a national debate which just refuses to go away.

Did I miss Anything?

I’ve been sacked. As some of you may have heard, I have been sacked from the “Too Much Culture” blog. After two long years of blogging about cultural things I am no longer going to be involved with the day to day workings of the blog. The decision came completely out of the blue, shortly after I publicly insulted one of the stars of Too Much Culture and dragged our falling out into the public domain. The two people who will replace me as bloggers for Too Much Culture consist of a man who writes in the comedy section of The Huffington Post, and the one time author of a Chortle correspondence piece about how women aren’t funny. So you’ll be in good hands.

I’m obviously devastated, I have worked hard to keep the standard of my blog high, but this decision has come from the very top, from people who didn’t even bother to call me to inform me of the decision.  Them’s the facts. I hope you continue to enjoy and support this blog.

#onehundredblogsandabookdeal

Top Cartoons: Learn to Speak Cat

Another great cartoon from the creator of “Learn to Speak Cat” from London’s Metro newspaper. These brighten Too Much Culture’s morning every time we see them.

Garfield Without Anyone

Possibly one of the funniest blogs on the internet, “Garfield Without Anyone” which takes Jim Davis’ original cartoons and removes every single character. Here are some of the best: