Too Much Culture

The Ultimate Ipad Guide for People Who Don’t Have Ipads

Posted in Uncategorized by tneenan on 06/09/2010

So the I-Pad has been out for a week or so, and with most new technology its usually best to let the dust settle before giving your opinion. Now that the fuss has died down and the information has been collected, please find below a rundown of the how to maximise your I-Pad ridicule.

It sounds like a sanitary product.

A very popular application this one, a lot of people associating the “pad” part of the name with feminine hygiene products. To make this work fully, you will need to disregard the alternate meanings of pad, such as a portable collection of blank papers or the base of some animals feet. Once you have done this, however, you are up and running. You can even increase your output of this joke by suggesting alternatives such as the I-Tampon, or the I-Pad with wings, a lot of stand-ups are using this model at the moment and the results are effective.

It looks like a big I-phone.

Not as versatile as the tampon joke, the “Big Iphone” joke only really works when accompanied by the visual of a person using it. Unfortunately the IPad never needs to be held close to the ear, otherwise the comparison would be rendered more apposite.

The Ipad owner is Steve Job’s bitch.

Another standard, but always useful. By suggesting the Ipad owner will do anything Steve Jobs asks them to, and extrapolating from this the idea that, if asked, the Ipad owner would perform felatio on Steve Jobs, the Ipad and the owner can be successfully ridiculed. This is more of a general model for most apple products and is also compatible with the Iphone 4.0. Other variations are available such as “If apple brought out the Itoilet, you would probably buy it”, “Why don’t you just live in the Apple Store” and “What are you trying to do with all this Apple stuff, make an orchard filled with useless shit?”

The Ipad has limited capabilities.

“Hey shithead do you want to print something? Oh no wait you can’t, you shithead” is the standard model.

The Ipad is expensive

Possibly the most limited format out there, this insult focuses on the “waste of money” aspect of the Ipad. Try comparing with other things that cost the same money as an Ipad, such as a holiday.

The Ipad will definitely get stolen.

This insult is best to deploy early, before the Ipad is actually stolen. After this time you will be expected to offer sympathy. (N.B Sympathy must always be offered, even in the event of theft victim using the Ipad on the top deck of the N3 bus at 4.45 am, after two weeks you are at liberty to use the “What did you think was going to happen?” retort)

The Ipad will become sentient

Something from the whimsical end of the market, try toying with the idea humans will one day be subservient to their IPads.

So there you go, you now have most of the information needed to zing your colleagues or friends. But please remember, when you eventually buy an Ipad, the above ridicule can be instantly erased with the deployment of the phrase “Yeah, I know, I caved.”

Enjoy.

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